Funnies Time

Last year I had a young guy, Daniel come to stay at my house for a few months. He was a life-long friend of one of my lodgers, Leo; they grew up together in South Africa before Daniel went to live in the States. We got on very well, and it was unfortunate when he had to leave, due to visa expiration. He is currently back in S.A. working in his specialist field, computer science, but of course we keep in email contact.

He has said he will send items for this blog, and here is the first. A tad rude in parts, but very funny. I'm sure my readers are broad-minded.

New Words for 2007

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking cr@p.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the partition walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion, because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children, and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids, or start a home business.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single Income, No Boyfriend and Desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached her hair, but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the cr@p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded administrivia - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McCR@P.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying anything. You're just going to the toilet. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McCR@P with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 Not
Found, meaning the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down-under.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise you've just made a BIG mistake - e.g. - you've hit 'reply all'.

* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence; the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of proficiency.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a 'Wonderbra'. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people, so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home at 3:00am after a booze cruise.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after the booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 to 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

Thanks for those Dan. Here's a few 'funnies' from me.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's licence. First, of course, he had to take an eye-sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z on it. "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" he replied, "I know the guy."

And finally, these are hilarious. The first is entitled Silent Library and features Ernesto Hoost, the Dutch K1 fighter who now lives in Japan. The second features the same bunch of Japanese looneys in Crotch Whacks. If you fail to laugh at these, you have absolutely no sense of humour.