Clive on 'Elf. Qwestion an' A'nser Seshion

'Allo All, Clive 'ere.
I 'as sum 'ints abowt yer 'elf. See, I 'ad this bird email me askin' me advice, an' she wuz so chuffed wiv wot I tol' 'er, I fort I shood let yer all in on a few fax that may 'ave escap'd yer reelerlisa ... relisisat ... reelisis ... fuck it ... wot you 'adn't figgered out.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Lis'en. Yer 'art is only gud fer so many beets, an' that's it. Don't waste 'em on eggsercise. Ev'ryfin' wares owt evenchually. Speedin' up yer 'art wil not make you live longer; that's like sayin' you can exten' the life ov yer motor by drivin' it faster. Wanna live longer? Take a bluddy nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You mus' grasp the nat'ral order ov fings. Wot duz a cow eat? 'ay an' corn an' stuff. An' wot are these? Veg'tibles. So a bit ov meat is nuffin' more than a mekanisum ov delivrin' veg'tibles to yer sistim. If you fink you need grain, nosh on a chicken. Beef is a gud convershun ov grass, annuver green leafy veg'tible. Don’t forget, a single chop or sossage can giv' yer 50% ov yer recomended dayly alowance ov veg'tible products, so get yer nashers roun' a bit ov pork girls.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Naw, not a' all. Beer comes from grain. Wine is made from froot. Froot an' veg…gud fer yer…remember. Brandy fer eggsample is nuffin' more than convertid wine. That means they take the wa'er owt ov the frooty bit, sose you get even more ov the goodness.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Wel, if you 'ave a body, you has to 'ave body fat, therefore yer rashio is wun to wun. If you 'ad two bodys, yer rashio wud be two to wun, etc. Work it out fer yerself. I fink I've made that plain enuff fer peeple ta figger.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't fink ov a single wun. My filosofy is, no pain...fank gawd fer that.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: Oh me sainted arnt, ain't yor ears on the same wavelenf as yor brane?. These days foods is fried in vegtible oil. In fact, they is swimmin' in the bleedin' stuff. 'Ow cud gettin' even more veg'tibles be bad fer yer?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Def'nately not! When you exersise a mussle, it gets bigger. Look at all them watelifters fer inst. You shood only be doin' sit-ups if yer want a bigger stummik.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLOO ... Coco beens ... veg'tible!!! Chocklate is the best feel-gud food around! Ile tells yer sum uvver fings 'bout chocklate.

It contains sugar, which comes from eever sugar cane or sugar beets, which are bowf plants. Therefore, chocklate is ALL veg'tible. If you eat chocklate-covered cherries, or raysins, or strawbids or oringe slices, you is gettin' froot in yer diet as well. Chocklate-covered nuts 'as to be the top protein food groop. An', since chocklate as loads ov milk, which comes from cows, which eat grass. Friggin' 'ell, duz I 'ave ta spell it out.

To 'ave a balancd diet, eat eqwall 'mounts ov dark an' wite chocklate.

If caleries is a concern ov yors, store yer chocklate on top ov the fridge. Not many peeple know this but caleries are afraid ov ites, an' they will jump out ov the chocklate to protect 'emselves.

Diet tip: Eat a chocklate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off yer appetite, an' yool eat less ov the foods that don't taste so gud.

If the chocklate melts in yer 'and, you is noshin' it too slow.

Problum: 'Ow to get a pound ov chocklate 'ome from the shop in a car wiv no air condishunin' on a 'ot summers day.
Solushun: Eat it in the car park.

Buewty tip: Chocklate has shit-lodes ov preservertives. Preservertives preserve fings so they don't get old so quick, so they make yer look yunger.
Stan's to common sense dunnit?.

Time manigement tip: Rite "Eat chocklate" at the top ov yer daily "To Do List." That way, yool get at least one fing done proper.

A nice box of chockys can provide yor total daily intake ov caleries in one place. Fink of the energy that cud save. Energy savin' means less emishuns, so less global worming. Fillin' yer gob wiv a bar ov Cadberrys Froot an' Nut is 'elpin' save the planet.

An' me last bit ov advice, if yer can't eat all your chocklate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocklate, wots wrong wiv yer? Don't yer wan' a Noble Prize?

Rite, any uvver qwestions?

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimin' is gud fer yer figger, explain wales to me. They ain't eggsactly airodynamik.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: 'Rownd' is a friggin' shape, same as any uvver shape, or ain't you noticed!
Get a life; sod the style.

Well, I 'opes this 'as cleered up any misconcepshuns you may 'ave 'ad about food an' diets.

Clive

Let me know if yer want's me advice abowt anyfink else.