Old Sod Rest Home

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89 had lived at Old Sods for a number of years, and had fallen in love. Deciding to 'tie the knot', they are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Says Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
"All kinds."
"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
"Definitely."
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory lapses, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, a large variety. The works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Lucozade, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
"Absolutely."
"You sell wheelchairs and Zimmer frames?"
"All speeds and sizes."
Jacob turns to Rebecca and says "I think this one will do."
"Excuse me Sir" say the Chemist, "Are you wanting any of the items you mentioned?"
"Not at the moment, but we want to recommend your shop on our wedding present list."

Old Sods Rest Home

A family took their frail, elderly mother to the Old Sods home and left her, expecting she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking the flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright.

This went on all morning. Later the family arrived to see how the old dear was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

Iron Man

I just had to add this. I was just surfing off emails and for no particular reason filled in a questionaire 'Which Superhero are You'. Now I don't know about you, but if you ever do these, as I occasionally do for amusement, I don't see the point of not answering as correctly as possible. Mind you, there's nothing to prove it isn't rigged anyway, so don't start sending comments about questionable authenticity. We've been all through that before.
I fort one ov yer answers was a bit questionable.
Which one?
Do you wear a bra?
Well I don't.
Wot 'bout Fersday night cross-dressers meeting then? Gotcha there. I've seen yer. P'radin' around in yer 'igh 'eels
Clive...FUCK OFF!

Your results:
You are Iron Man

Iron Man 80% Spider-Man 50% Robin 50% Green Lantern 50% Wonder Woman 45% Catwoman 45% Superman 40% Hulk 35% The Flash 35% Supergirl 30% Batman 25%

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...


They're all getting on a bit now though.

Old Sods Rest Home

Mabel, Mildred and Ethel are sitting on a bench in the gardens when all of a sudden they are confronted by a flasher.

Mabel was a spinster, and had never seen a naked man in her life, and immediately had a stroke.

Mildred was a widow of many years, and during her marriage had always made love in the dark, so had never seen her husband's appendage. She also had a stroke.

Ethel was older and more feeble than her two friends, and could not reach.

Old Sods Rest Home

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was more than one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her, and some of actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag again, pulled out a drinks coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that breathalyser test again?"

Of course, wheelchairs are something I know about, and mine has been deteriorating ...on its last wheels ... You could say that Clive I jus' did ...for a while. The spokes started breaking up a couple of days ago, so yesterday I did a rebuild job using another old chair for parts. Now back up to full power again, although the steering pulls a bit to the left, and I think the wheels need balancing - I get a bit of a speed wobble around 4kph.

This is a lean mean racing machine. Think I will put in for one of these on my birthday wish list.