Donald

Recently I went to MacDonalds. It was just after 11pm. I'd just sat down at a table, all ready to tuck into a Big Mac and fries when I heard a crying noise. It seemed to be coming from the burger. Curiosity consumed me, but not knowing quite what to expect, I very carefully lifted up the top half of the bun, and there, to my amazement, laying on the leaf of lettuce, was a tiny child, besplatted with mayonaise and sobbing profusely. It was a truly pitiful sight. I said to him "What are you doing there? What has happened to you?"
The waif's eyes opened wide and choking back the sobs, said "My Mummy and Daddy, and all my brothers and sisters have gone. I'm all alone in the world. I have nobody to love me and look after me."
Tears welled as I gazed down on the wretched mite. "Don't worry, everything is going to be alright. I will look after you. I will be your Daddy." The sobbing subsided. "Do you have a name?" He shook his head. "I will call you Donald, Donald my little, burger boy." He looked so dishevelled. His little green suit was soaked and spotted with ketchup, so I delicately lifted him up and wrapped him in a serviette to keep him warm. His eyes shone with gratitude and affection. As I ate he listened intently to me telling him how wonderful life would be from now on. How we would go on trips - to the zoo - and the seaside. I sensed other diners close by were overhearing my words, but I was impervious to their presence. I caught odd words here and there like 'skunk' and 'rat' and assumed they were discussing indigenous wildlife. One woman said "Shouldn't be allowed." A loud what I wondered. Skunks and rats are very quiet creatures. Another said "What a state to be in." I assumed they must be foreign visitors. I felt like saying to her "We don't have states in England; they're called COUNTIES." Some people are just plain ignorant.
When ready to leave, I picked Donald up and held him close to my chest. I wanted him to feel the love I had for him. As we made our way to the exit, I slipped on a discarded slice of tomato. I reeled from side to side, attempting to regain my balance, all the time conscious of the need to protect my new ward. "It's OK son, Daddy won't let anything happen to you." He seemed reassured. A thoughtful employee with a badge on his lapel even held the door open for us. The badge read Imran Patel. Supervisor.
"Goodnight, and a doughnut when you come back." At least that's what I think he said. His Asian accent was very pronounced.
"What a nice friendly restaurant" I thought "offering me free food."
While we walked I talked to Donald, comforting him with words to quell his many fears. Passing strangers stared quizzically. A nun even stopped to speak.
"What have you there" she enquired "that you hold so tenderly and speak to in such a loving way?"
"This is Donald, my burger child. He's an orphan and I am taking him home so I can love him and look after him." She smiled. A natural enough reaction to the selfless Good Samaritan act I was making. As she moved on I could hear her howling. "My God" I thought "she's overcome with emotion." I turned. "Have no fear Sister, he will be well looked after." The howling seemed louder. Obviously I had deeply touched her Christian heart.
The journey was not totally without incident. So intent was I talking to Donald I crossed a road against the red light. The driver of a swerving Transit screamed something at me which I did not quite catch. Something about having carnal knowledge of a dog's mother. Didn't seem to make sense.
Eventually we arrived home and once inside the house I placed Donald on the sofa. "I am going to make you a special bed in my room, so I can be close to you and you won't be afraid" I told him. His face beamed with happiness. I found a small box, and lined it with a clean handkerchief. I then laid him in the box.
"Will you be my Daddy forever?"
"Of course I will, you are Donald, my burger child. You will be the son I never had. I will love and protect you." I carried the box to the bedroom and put it on the dresser. I touched a finger to my lips and gently placed it on his little forehead.
"I love you Daddy" he said as his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep. He looked so innocent and helpless.
"I love you too my burger boy" I replied as I switched off the light. My heart palpitated with joy as I climbed into my own bed. But sleep did not come easily, as I considered the immense responsibilities I had so willingly taken on. Eventually I lapsed into the arms of Morpheus, content with my new paternal situation.
In the morning I awoke. Slowly my mind began recalling the events of the previous evening, and I suddenly remembered Donald. Could it all have been a dream? No, not possible. Everything was too real. The restaurant, the people, even the nun. Quickly I got out of bed and crossed the room, anxious to see my newly adopted offspring. There, on the dresser was a matchbox. Nervously I picked it up. Almost not daring to look, I slide the drawer out a little way. Inside was a scrunched up tissue. With shaking fingers I parted the folds, to reveal......a gherkin.

Fuck me was I pissed that night?