Clive 'ere. Zizz 'as nipped out, so I is postin' some fings ov me own.

I read the uvver day, the success ov the 'Wonder Bra' for under-endowed wimmin 'as encouraged the designers to come out wiv a bra fer the ones wiv big nokkers. It's called the 'Sheep Dog Bra' - it rounds 'em up an' points 'em in the right direction.

I dunno 'bout that, but this crumpet on the right...I fink she'd 'ave to go to a construction company to get 'er flopper stoppers built. Course we knows they ain't real. Gawd, if you 'ad a pair of jugs like that you'd keep fallin' over. Long live Photoshop.

I was goin' out wiv a bird a while back an' wanted to get 'er some lingery for 'er birfday, so pops into Marks an' Sparks, but couldn't see anyfing much, so asked the tart be'ind the counter what she 'ad.
She says, "We have three sorts of bras, the 'Salvation Army', the 'Totalitarian' and the 'Political Agitator'."
" What's the diff'rence?" I enquires, all agog.
"The Salvation Army is fer the uplift of the fallen; the Totalitarian is fer the suppression of the masses; an' the Political Agitator is fer makin' mountains out ov mole 'ills", she replies.

Mind you, my ol' dad sed the best prezz to buy a bird is a sweater. Can't go wrong 'e said. If it is too big, she'll be flattered, if it is the right size she'll admire yer good judgement, an' if it's too small, she'll wear it.

D'yer know why birds don't make good mechanics? Eyes left. S'pose this is a sorta bumper interlock.

'Ere, summink I 'as to tell yer; I comes out the pub the uvver night. I'd chucked a few down an' done all me dosh, but 'ad a good time. So anyways, there I am, swayin' me way 'ome, and I comes up to this car wiv its bonnet up an' the geezer peerin' at the engine. I sez to 'im "What's up mate?"
He sez "Piston Broke."
I sez "Same 'ere."

I used to feel sorry fer ol' Zizz, cos the doctor cut 'im down to one glass ov grog a day. 'E soon got round that problem after 'e copped a gander at this moosh on the internet. 'E 'as it well sorted.

It's like Zizz an' 'is smokin'. 'E told the quack 'e only 'ad the occasional fag. Bones wuz well impressed , self control an' all that; but 'e didn't exactly 'ave the full picture. This ain't Zizz of course, but you 'as probly got me drift. Not slow to catch on is Zizz. 'E might be getting on a bit but 'e still 'as all 'is marbles.

I tells yer wot. 'E 'as got some fancy PC stuff but 'e don't look after it. I means...'ang on...I'll swing 'is camera round...look at this bloody keyboard. Friggin' disgrace I calls it.

I fink I 'ad better piss orf now 'cause 'e will be comin' back soon. 'E gets right ratty when 'e fin's out I 'as been usin' 'is, gear. I fink 'e 'as gone out on the pull. 'If 'e scores, I 'ope it ain't as chubby 'as the last one. Blimey, she wuz a big girl. Reminded me ov a Doogle Dog.

That remin's me. I 'eard a good 'one the uvver day. When the free wise men went into the barn to see Mary an' Joe's new chavvie, the fird bloke was a tall sod, an' 'e banged 'is 'ead on the door frame.
"Jeeesssuuss" 'Chriiiisst 'e yells out.
Joe looked at Mary an' said "That's a better name than Clyde".

I is a bit like Zizz when it comes to this relig'us stuff. I can't grasp the concept. After all, there is so many dif'rent ones, an' they all fink they is right, but none ov them 'ave any proof. So I s'pose you 'as to believe what you want...or not...as the case may be.

I jus' 'as time to show yer summink else. No, it ain't gonna be porno...bloody perverts. (Well, s'pose it could be...),
This is a snap taken on a French nudist beach, seconds b'fore the world record for the 'igh jump from a 'neelin' position was achieved. A unique picture, as I am sure you will agree.

Seems I as a bit ov time left 'cause 'imself is makin' a coffee, so 'ere's me fav'rite joke at the mo.

A man goes into a rest'rant wiv a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A 'amburger, fries an' a Coke,"
She then turns to the ostrich, "And for you?"
"I'll 'ave the same" says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns wiv the orders. "That will be £9.40 please,"
The man reaches in 'is pocket and pulls out the exact amount fer payment.

The next day, the man an' the ostrich go in again, an' the man says, "A 'amburger, fries, an' a Coke. "The ostrich says, "I'll 'ave the same." When it's time to pay, again the man reaches in is sky an' comes up wiv the exact amount.

This becomes quite reg'lar 'til, the two go in one day. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Fridy night, so I will 'ave a steak, a baked tatty an' salad," says the man.

"An' the same fer me" says the ostrich".

Whe it is time to pay, the girl says. "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out 'is pocket and puts it on the table.

The waitress can't 'old back 'er curiosity any longer. "Scuse me, Sir. 'Ow do you manage to always come up wiv the exact money ev'ry time?"

"Well," says the man, "Sev'ral years ago I wuz cleanin' out the attic an' found an ol' lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared an' offered me two wishes. I 'ad a fink, an' me first wish was that if I ever 'ad to pay fer summink, I would jus' put me 'and in me pocket an' the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish fer a million quid or somefing like that, but you'll always be as rich as you want fer as long as you live!"

"That's right. Wevver it's a carton ov milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there," sez the man.

The waitress then says, "But, Sir, what's wiv the ostrich?"

The man sighs, an' answers, "Me second wish was fer a tall chick wiv a big butt an' long legs, who agrees wiv ev'ryfing I say!"

I 'as to be orf now. I'll be seeing yer.

TTFN from Clive.